Last night – what will probably be one of the hottest nights of the year – I was sitting in my chair reading The Pilgrim’s Progress barely dressed and feverish, when I saw a flashlight dancing on my lawn. I got up, quite curious – it was after nine p.m., I live far from the normal ways of men, and I was not expecting anyone – put on a pair of pants, and stepped outside. It was the police. In fact, it was officer Brandon Edwards, whom I recognized as the officer who had hunted me down with his M-16 wielding pal a few weeks ago. He served me with a notice to appear in court, pursuant to the same trespass charge for which I have already appeared in court twice.
He explained that he, and the City of New York, had decided not to press charges against me, but the person who owns the property at the end of Schumway Road, one Todd Brown, did want to press charges. So I would be headed to court again.
It really is comical. This will be my third court appearance – at the least – for a trespass charge which is considered “less than a traffic ticket” – a “violation,” not even a misdemeanor. Not only that, by the text of the law – which requires that one “knowingly enter or willfully remain” on a premises – I am not guilty. For this, I have had the honor of having men armed with assault rifles search for me in the woods and now come to my home at night. They must have driven at least an hour each way to get to me, and I imagine it took them some time to find my house. What a waste of our social resources. Plus the court appearances, which are a waste of my time, not to mention the judge’s, the court reporter’s, etc. And all the paperwork – officer Edwards gave me an envelope full of new paperwork that my walk in the woods has sired.
The anatomy of big government, no? And its cause: a legalistic, petty citizenry. I’ll bet anything too that this Todd Brown is opposed to big government. It does make me angry. Now my secret vengeful desire is to waste his time and drag him to court multiple times to testify against me, but seeing that he’s put this much effort into this so far, I presume that multiple court appearances are a pleasure to him, something to make him feel more important. But anyway, the right thing to do is to resolve this as expeditiously as possible, and stop the stupidity. But the system being the system, I’m betting this will take at least two more court appearances and two more months to be resolved. It’s Jarndyce and Jarndyce.
The little plaintiff or defendant who was promised a new rocking-horse when Jarndyce and Jarndyce should be settled has grown up, possessed himself of a real horse, and trotted away into the other world. Fair wards of court have faded into mothers and grandmothers; a long procession of Chancellors has come in and gone out; the legion of bills in the suit have been transformed into mere bills of mortality; there are not three Jarndyces left upon the earth perhaps since old Tom Jarndyce in despair blew his brains out at a coffee-house in Chancery Lane; but Jarndyce and Jarndyce still drags its dreary length before the court, perennially hopeless.
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